A return to the shallow end

Or the sleazy end, as it may be. I've been in the depths of finals and papers since before Thanksgiving, which is my not-that-great excuse for radio silence. Since I've been gone:

• Liverpool topped their Champions League with a game to spare. Thank god, since they proceeded to lose to Galatasaray in the last game, despite Fowler's double. At least they're through now, though I'll miss not hearing the Champions League theme song until February.


• First away win of the season, baby. I still think the yellow kits are cursed somehow -- note that they were wearing red this time. I'm a bit amazed that they're fifth in the league, but if they keep playing like this, maybe fourth will happen. (On another note, when the commentators are openly acknowledging that you have to play in central midfield or else you'll pout? You are not being a good captain, but just another mediocre diva. Time to step up, Steven.)


• Liverpool got maybe, possibly, hypothetically bought by Dubai. Xabi Alonso is skeptical, and I am too, a little. More on this later, when and if the deal goes through.


• Shevchenko is leaving Chelsea. Or maybe not. They don't really need him now Drogba's figured out how to stay on his feet, and Milan never found an effective replacement. Also, Sheva looks like he hasn't slept a night since he left Milan. Homesickness? Or is he a vampire? It's unclear.
  

All good stories, and all worth talking about. However, the topic of discussion today? Sex tapes. Specifically, this. DEAR FOOTBALLERS: STOP MAKING SEX TAPES. They will get out, you will be embarrassed, and if you're at Sunderland, Roy Keane will probably give you a hairdryer treatment so extensive even Sir Alex would be impressed. It's only a matter of time before that video shows up on Youtube or some blog, and yeah. The chants will be legendary, I feel. Especially for the guy "performing a sexual act" while still wearing his sweater. I just . . . what? I don't have anything else to say that hasn't been said better by the Fiver. Except. DEAR FOOTBALLERS. STOP MAKING SEX TAPES. Or you'll still be talking about it five years later, and making this humble blogger vaguely ill. Yeah, I definitely meant the sleazy end of the pool, and that's without even linking the Stefan Postma video. Sorry.

Linkspam of the day

How would you do as a WAG? As myself, turns out I'm non-league -- no tan, jeans, and yeah. The best I could hope for is, like, Stan Collymore. And who wants that?

Steven Gerrard: jaded free spirit? I don't think he's only effective in central midfield. Considering he was on the right a lot of the time last season, that can't be the problem with Liverpool's form this time around. However, Momo's out for a good long while now. If it'd get him to stop pouting for a while, why not try center?

I don't really care whether you think it's realistic or not, boys. Just try to win? Also, Riise, just mark your man. Seriously.

Unpopular sporting opinions

In some ways I really am a soccer fundamentalist. I don’t know how I got all these prejudices, considering I’m only in my fifth season of fandom. Nevertheless, here they are, and I'm not apologizing for any of them.

If I ran the world (or at least the Premiership):

1. No gloves. Run more and your hands won’t be cold, kids.


2. Shoes should be as close to completely black as possible. At the very least, they should not be electric-blue or yellow. Beckham and Cisse, I’m looking at you.


3. There is a very narrow range of acceptable goal celebrations. Jumping on teammates? Fine. Kissing your ring finger, badge, or teammate? Fine. Rocking an imaginary child, pretending to give birth to the ball, or continuing to suck your thumb even though your son is practically in junior high now? No. Stop it. (However, shirt-removal should not be a yellow. They’re not hurting anyone, and there’s no reason to steal female fans’ joy like that.)


4. Strikers and keepers shouldn’t be captains. Strikers are too far upfield and can’t see the run of play well. Also, they’re generally more focused on scoring than on anything else, which makes for bad captains. Keepers are, as you may have noticed, not outfield players, so even though they can see the play, they’re not involved enough for me. I’m willing to create an exception for international teams – because, really, Ukraine aren’t going to have anyone but Shevchenko as their captain – but as far as club teams? Central defenders or midfielders are totally the way to go.


5. Related to that, keepers shouldn’t take free kicks or penalties. I admit this is an irrational prejudice, based entirely on my virulent dislike of Rogerio Ceni, but I’m sticking with it. Keepers are meant to prevent goals from being scored, not to score them.


6. Slide tackling is to be encouraged. Next to a long-range goal, a well-timed slide tackle is just about my favorite thing about this sport. Carding for every single tackle is lame. This is a contact sport, and as long as they’re not actively trying to break each other’s legs, go for it.


7. Diving is not strategic. It just means you’re lame. I know everyone does it, but that doesn’t mean that I have to like it. This isn’t a problem in the Premiership as much as it is in some other leagues, but god. I really do hate it.


8. Leave the ref alone. God knows they aren’t perfect (Graham Poll, anyone?), but surrounding them and yelling about every call that goes against your team is both rude and stupid. You know the ref isn’t going to change his decision, so all you’re doing is building up bad feelings, looking like a bully, and making it more likely that he’s not going to give you the benefit of the doubt the next time. Complaining afterward has the same issues, and if you’re Mike Newell, it makes you look like a real dick. For other reasons than normal, true, but whatever. I’m done with him.


9. And finally, if you wear one of those special protective headbands, I totally reserve the right to call you a little girl.

In other news, Paul Dalglish is totally cute. I can’t say I care much about this final, but that’s a pretty nice article.

We'll talk about the Arsenal match when I can be coherent and rational about it. Right now, my favorite part is Xabi's tackle that should've been a card. Nothing happened for the other 89 minutes.

Burning questions from this weekend

In the Premiership:
1. Arsenal: gay team or gayest team?

2. Steven Gerrard's new strategy: pout until you score?

3. Liverpool: why haven't they been playing like this all season? Rafa fielded his 99th consecutive different lineup, but they didn't really seem to do anything all that different in terms of formation or strategy, except for the strange switch of Carra and Hyypia for the first third of the game. The real question from that game for me is how Villa survived that long as the only unbeaten team in the league. Baros and Angel were completely invisible (even before they were taken off), and it looks like they've been owing a lot to Gareth Barry. Win the midfield and you can close down Villa, looks like. Even with that, though, that was by far the best performance Liverpool have put in all season. Here's hoping we can get the defense solidified and qualify for the Champions League knockout rounds tomorrow with a game or two to spare.

Outside the Premiership:
4. What the hell happened to Sociedad? They're my Spanish team, and this is pretty sad. I hate to see any team do a Sunderland, but especially one that has such an interesting history as Sociedad.

5. Did anyone know Tomas Rosicky has a twin brother playing in MLS? I've been sort of lackadaisically following the MLS playoffs (though now that Chivas and Jonathan Bornstein are gone, my interest may wane, because I am just that shallow). So I had New York/DC on, and was pretty surprised to see a mini-Rosicky running around in a Red Bull kit. Anyone else foresee a Parent Trap place-switch kind of thing going on here? Just me? Okay.

6. How many ways can Mourinho be a douche in one interview? I tried to count, but then I ran out of fingers. God, I'm usually a "cheer for the English team" girl, but I hope they get stuffed tomorrow.

Matchday 3 -- Liverpool/Bordeaux

Reina's socks are bothering me. Why don't they match the rest of his kit? It was incredibly distracting, but in this case, being distracted from the game wasn't entirely bad. Liverpool didn't play badly, exactly, but they sure didn't play as well as they could have. And it wasn't sloppiness out of desperation or desire to score, either -- it just mostly looked like they couldn't really be bothered. Luis Garcia did his Luis Garcia thing and missed a couple of easy, easy chances. Crouch again demonstrated his amazing ability to be nearly seven feet tall and no good in the air. Really, the only area where Liverpool did well, I thought, was the left side. I continue to be a big fan of Mark Gonzalez, and he and Riise linked up well for the most part. I'd like to see that pairing in the league on a more regular basis.

Also. Boys. How long have we had zonal marking for corners? A couple of seasons, right? Okay. In that case, y'all should be a lot better at it. Like, a LOT. There's no excuse for almost giving up two incredibly soft goals like that. I'm not sure why this is still such an issue for them, but at this point, it really shouldn't be anymore.

Gah. They won, so I should be happy. But the same issues they had last season aren't going away, and they've picked up a lot of defense problems and general malaise to go with them. Here's hoping they finally show up for the season against Man U Sunday. If they don't? Honestly, there goes their chance of challenging for the title, I think.

It's not still Friday the 13th, right?

Something's not right here. I've been critical of John Terry in the past (and will most likely continue to be so), but credit where it's due, this was pretty awesome of him. Footie Girl and I were talking about it, though, and we wondered -- how did everyone know that Terry was going in goal? Did they practice what to do if both keepers are knocked out and all the subs are used? Either they plan for pretty remote contingencies over at Stamford Bridge, or John Terry is just the jack-of-all-trades down there. You know, driving the bus, taking the kits home to be cleaned, walking Mourinho's dog and getting his morning lattes. Playing keeper's all in a day's work, then, really. I wish Reading had been able to press their advantage better after Mikel got sent off, but That was still the most entertaining game I've seen from Chelsea in a long time, so I'll take it. And Cech and Cudicini are both okay, so it's all good. (One of the news reports I read called him "Czech keeper Cech," and I've been giggling and saying that to myself all night. Yes, I am five. But it's fun!)

Less fun? Liverpool 1 - Blackburn 1. I'm not sure what the big problem is, but there are a couple of little things that I'm noticing. First, now that they have wingers, Rafa seems afraid to use them. I know Pennant played today, but what about putting Gonzalez on as more than an impact sub? Garcia's had that role for the past two seasons, but it's time to admit it -- Garcia only works in the Champions League (or against Chelsea). Give some of the new boys a chance, especially the ones specifically brought in to provide pace and width. It's great that they have them, but the team won't unless they start getting some playing time. Second, Steven Gerrard needs to score. The thing is, though, I don't think a goal will come until he quits trying to force it. He was completely anonymous today, except for the few times he showed up to do his Lampard impression and take bad shots from a long way out. That's not what needs to happen. Right now, it seems like he's so desperate to score that he's taking shots when he should be passing. It's not pretty, much like the ski-jump he's got on his head. (Yes, I'll continue to harp on that till it goes away.) Boy needs to relax.

As for England? I'm just pretending it never happened. 3-5-2 what?

I thought it was paper-rock-scissors

This is not the most confidence-inspiring picture I've ever seen.

After that, they played Red Rover and then Steve gave them their morning snacks and they took a nap.

Sven hate and Carra the psychic

Materazzi has written a book about "what he might have said to prompt Zinedine Zidane to head butt him." The article only quotes a couple of the 249 (?!) responses. But, dude, if he had actually said "Since Foucault died, French philosophy has sucked," that would clearly have been the most awesome insult not only in the history of soccer, but in the history of the entire world. I might be giving Materazzi a bit too much credit, but come on. Soccer players talking philosophy? That's almost as funny as "Jamie Carragher, penalty specialist," SVEN.

And that leads nicely into my next topic, which is "England: the hell?" It's strange, because they didn't play all that badly, really, but they just could not get anything going up front. No matter what Rio or John Terry says, Wayne Rooney is completely in a slump at the moment, and Crouch hasn't been getting the games at Liverpool to be as sharp as they needed him to be, I think. Lampard still sucks (no surprise), and I totally think that Steven's hair (as seen here) has cursed him. He can't score, he keeps running inside instead of staying on the wing, and he gets questionable yellows that keep him out of crucial games. AWESOME. They just weren't gelling for some reason -- are we back to the old midfield issues? -- and that's bad news with Croatia on Wednesday. (Also note in that link: Jamie Carragher can kill you with his brain. And he will, too.)

I'm not even going to talk about Spain, really. Just, I know they're a team of choke artists, but don't you have to get to Euro 2008 before you can choke there? They're fifth in their group now, I think, but I guess that's what happens when you make Cesc Fabregas your midfield general -- I love him to pieces, but he's 19! -- and start three players I've never even heard of. It's not like they were playing San Marino; this was a need-to-win match. I don't get it. And I don't get the vote of confidence in Aragones, either. Meh.

Dear US Soccer: yes. A thousand times yes. Anything's better than Arena or Sven.

Matchday 2, goal #3.

Final proof -- Peter Crouch is 90% limbs.

It's about time, kids.

Jesus Christ, Xabi. Remember when I said I love the power shots from long range? Yeah, double that. Absolutely stunning.



And in larger terms, I'm so happy we've remembered how to score. It's hard to win games if you can't do that.

Tonight's TV.

Once In a Lifetime broadcast premiere tonight, 9:00 on ESPN2.

Here's a little more information about the movie. I remember wanting to see it when it came out this summer, but I don't think it ever came to my area. I have to say, I'm a big documentary nerd, and this looks really interesting (And got good reviews, too.) So, yeah, I'll definitely be watching that tonight. Along with the BBC documentary that's causing such a fuss these days. I have to say, I love a good scandal.

Bah!

Sven just keeps turning up like a bad penny. If he couldn't win the World Cup with all of England's talent, what do they expect him to do with the much less deep US squad? Besides call up high schoolers?

Sorry, I'm bitter right now. Something about losing to Chelsea and being 15th in the league will do that to you.

Thursday evening randomness

1. Yay Palermo! Nothing against West Ham, but I adopted Palermo over the summer as my new Serie A favorites, mostly because of their fashion-forward pink home kits. Well, that and the way that my previous team, Milan, are dirty cheaters and whiners. I needed a new team, and yeah. It's Palermo, so well-done to them, and yay for beating the newly Tevez-ified West Ham.

2. Sven thinks he could manage Arsenal, Man U, or Liverpool. Um. Has he noticed that none of them are looking for managers? And that he didn't exactly cover himself in glory at the World Cup? No? Okay, then. At least no one seems to be taking him seriously -- if he were likely to come to Liverpool and play Steven out of position there, I may actually cry.

3. I don't know how I haven't linked The Offside before this. Hilarious, and a prolific updater. Highly recommended.

4. As is The Beautiful Game. She's an Argentina fan, but no one's perfect, are they?

5. And your goal of the day. Tomas Rosicky. Beautiful -- I'm a sucker for the power shots from midfield. If y'all couldn't tell.

Defense: Try it.

First of all, Ashley Cole = all class. I gotta say, if I were playing with him at Chelsea, I would never say anything that I didn't want to see in the papers. Though I'm glad we finally got Pizzagate sorted. Because that's in no way trivial.

Second, we're not talking about the derby. I know I should, but honestly? I am so frustrated with Liverpool right now that I don't really have anything intelligent to say. At least we've won one of three, I suppose, but when your last Premiership clean sheet was April, something's not right. I really do question Rafa's team selections recently -- I mean, I love Riise and Carra as much as anyone, but when it's a derby and they're both still recovering from injuries? And you have Daniel Agger and Fabio Aurelio as cover? Yeah, I don't get it. I also don't understand why we bought all these wingers in the transfer window and now we're skittish about using them. I don't know what needs to happen for us to stop having problems at the back -- whatever it is, though, we need to get it together quick. Right now, our goal difference is -2. This isn't how you challenge Chelsea (or, hell, Man U or Everton) for the title. And speaking of that, man. I fear next Sunday, when we play Chelsea away. With Rafa in his current mood, my prediction is Xabi Alonso up front, Steven Gerrard in goal, Pepe Reina in midfield, and Crouch as a central defender.

Third, Liverpool's defense may be pretty shambolic at this point, but it's nothing to Real's. Seriously, I'm watching their Champions League game against Lyon, and wow. They're playing like my rec team, and we're 0-2 for the season.

Transfer window, part two: go away.

1. Cole to Chelsea, Gallas and five million to Arsenal.

2. Reyes to Real, at least for a year.

I'm very happy for all three of you. Now would you please 1) shut up and 2) go away? I feel like I've been hearing about these transfers since about 2003 -- and in Cole and Reyes' cases, that's not far off, really. It seems like there's always one or two really long and involved transfer dramas, usually involving Chelsea in some form or another. Last year it was Essien and (sort of) Steven. I say sort of because he ended up changing his mind -- a few times, really. But it still went on for what seemed like ages, and as interesting as it was at the beginning, by the end, I was so tired of every single person involved that I wanted them all to go away to one of Abramovich's islands (come on, he totally has islands) till about October so I wouldn't have to hear any more from them for a good long while.

And now that's exactly how I feel about Reyes, Cole, and Gallas. You're done for a while, boys. I don't want to hear anything else out of you until about March. (Man, wouldn't this be a better world if fans were really able to place players on time-out? You'd hear a lot less from Mourinho, that's for sure.)