Pointless question of the day

Actually, two questions: 1) When did Rogers get that tattoo, and 2) what the hell is it a tattoo of? I mean, I think it's probably better than Feilhaber's crooked Latin or Daniel Agger's ... everything and the kitchen sink, but man. If I can't see it, I can't judge it. Bah.

Also, um, nice abs, kid. As Sarah said, he must work out.

Shallow and frivolous

18-year-old footballer breaks news of transfer on Facebook. Honestly, I'm a little surprised this hasn't happened before. (Though I think Alecko Eskandarian may have announced his transfer to, like, Real Salt Lake on Facebook. But that was at least one trade ago, and it's MLS.)

Speaking of Real Salt Lake, I present the first in an occasional series, called Hot MLS Coaches.

Part One: Jason Kreis

So, he whines about the refs a little more than I'd like. And he's shorter than me. But this is his first full season, RSL are amazingly not sucking this season, and he went to Duke, so I think the balancing test comes out in his favor. Also, he can wear a suit pretty damn well.

Oh, MLS

I guess this is the only way West Ham is going to win the league, though. They've fixed it now, but for a while, West Ham was leading the MLS Western Conference.

(Thanks to Goalscoring Robot.)

Question of the day

So, say you were one of the U23 players who decided to get pedicures today. Yes, that's the U23 men. Put yourself in those guys' shoes. (The blog doesn't name names, but my guess? Sacha Kljestan.)

Here's my question: you're most likely an MLS player, which means you're probably about to start the preseason. Why, then, would you decide to get your feet all smooth and pretty when you'll be playing soccer five days a week and they're just going to get all callused and blistered and gross again?

Seriously, I speak from experience. It's a bad idea.

(If you're here from the Fanhouse, hi! This is pretty much what it's like all the time around here.)

I would have guessed seventh grade.

Via Dan Loney:



It must be the semicolons. I like semicolons.

Posts about the internationals from this weekend and MLS Cup are forthcoming. But I'm currently in the middle of a marathon paper-writing session, so this is the best I can do right now. Sorry, y'all.

Pointless link of the day

Alexi Lalas and his incredibly tiny and adorable Yorkie.

What is it with super-masculine managers and Yorkies? First Mourinho, now Lalas. I love Yorkies, but aren't they a little, well, girly for that type of guy? If I were that dog, I'd be worried about Lalas accidentally stepping on me. Dude's tall, is all I'm saying.

He's still better than Dave O'Brien

So, if soccer is on ESPN, I'll pretty much watch it. For most of the good stuff (at least until the Champions League starts), you have to go to FSC or Univision, but I want to encourage ESPN to show soccer, so I watch the random internationals and MLS games.

It's all good, but I've decided my favorite part is the halftime "other soccer news" report that ESPN News does. The value of this isn't really in the news they deliver -- it's usually stuff I already know. The amusement value comes from two things: 1) trying to guess how they'll shoehorn David Beckham in, and 2) waiting for the mispronunciations to begin. In the last two games I've watched (Galaxy/United and US/New Zealand), the poor ESPN newsguy has mispronounced:

• Feilhaber
• Derby
• Hleb
• Birmingham
• Ballack

Somehow he got "Szetela" and "Essien" right, though, both of which I would have thought were more difficult than, you know. Derby. I feel there's a drinking game in the making here, but it needs a little more thought.

In other news, Kristine Lilly continues to be absolutely badass.

Speaking of the shallow end

Quiz time! Here we see:

a) a farmer-tan convention
b) the US Copa team

The second annual end-of-season awards

Yes, Footie Girl and I are doing it again. Yes, we realize that the Premiership is already pretty much back in season, with friendlies and summer tours and meaningless cup competitions. But like everyone always says, the season's not over till Argentina choke in a major way, so here we are. Some of the categories have changed since the last time -- different season and all that. Anyway. With apologies for the delay, here are the Second Annual Footie Girl and You'll Never Blog Alone End-of-Season Awards!

Chav of the Year: Steven Gerrard. While his wedding wasn't quite as gloriously tacky as we'd all been hoping for, the best man's toast tipped the scales all the way over to chav. It takes a lot to have a tackier wedding than John Terry (Lionel Richie, that's all I'm saying), but Steven managed. Good job, kid.

Runner-up: Rio Ferdinand. For the Myspace page alone.

Most Valuable Spaniard: Pepe Reina. He had a good season overall, really, but basically, this award comes down to one thing: penalties. I've never really seen an alleged "penalty specialist" who lived up to the hype like Pepe does. I don't have a lot to say here, since the video really speaks for itself. Basically, though, our keeper's a total fucking stud, and maybe the best buy Rafa's made.

Runner-up: Cesc Fabregas. Scored basically no goals, but really grew into his central midfield role, and grew up enough (apparently) to be Arsenal's new vice-captain. Stop throwing pizza and see where it gets you, kids?

Most Emo Player: We've got a tie! This one goes to both Jose Antonio Reyes and Julio Baptista. Either Arsenal is really awful, or Reyes and Baptista both need to get a sunlamp or two and just deal with it. It's not like Real Madrid was the happiest place on earth, either.

Runner-up: Andriy Shevchenko. Left Milan in the summer, and pretty much immediately started batting his eyes at them again. Now he might go back, he might not, but ugh. We're over it.

Clusterfuck of the Year: England. Runaway winners in this category, especially after Real inconveniently ended up winning La Liga. For the analysis here, I'm just going to quote Footie Girl: "For the entire World Cup fiasco, the endless process of replacing Sven that ended up with ... Steve McClaren (woo), dropping Becks and then bringing him back, the ongoing attempts to shoehorn Steven and Lameass into the same midfield, the failed experiment with 3-5-2, etc., etc." Add in the incredibly lackluster, and likely doomed, Euro qualification campaign, and you've got a big old mess, and one that's not going to get better anytime soon.

Runner-up: Chelsea. There are so many links I could dig up here, but I'll just go for this one.

Gayest Team: Italy. The Internets are being remarkably uncooperative with photographic evidence right now, but come on. Gattuso was pretty much naked before they even laid hands on the trophy, and apparently the Italian way to congratulate your keeper for winning a penalty shootout is to straddle his crotch. Not that we're against either of those things.

Runner-up: Arsenal. Still and forever.

Best Fight: Craig Bellamy, John Arne Riise, karaoke and golf clubs. Everyone's heard about this one by now, but it's still awesome. The facts alone are probably enough for this to win, but the part where these two idiots -- and I say that with love -- went on to score in the Barcelona game? Seals the deal. I don't want to say it was ironic, but it was at least Alanis Morrissette ironic.

Runner-up: Inter/Valencia. Like, play with that much energy and one of y'all would probably have scored.

Douchebag of the Year: Mike Newell. Knowing that you're a sexist doesn't make it any less douchey, sunshine. (Yes, I did just call Mike Newell "sunshine." He's lucky that's all I'm calling him.) We would also like to take this opportunity to point out that Rachel Yankey wins. Unlike Mr. Newell or his team.

Runner-up: Jose Mourinho. No new links, but basically he gets this for everything he's ever said at a press conference ever. Also getting arrested over a dog.

Special Achievement Award: Daniel Agger. We'd like to be all high-minded here and say that this is for his goal against West Ham. Or even for his goal against Chelsea, which was less pretty but more important. But we have to be honest. Those helped, but this is really because somewhere along the line, Dan got hot. If this makes us shallow, we can live with that.

That's all for this season's awards! Hopefully next year they'll be done before preseason.

And it's better than a camera on Donovan.

This is lame, but odds are I'll watch.

And, really, train a camera on Zidane for an entire game and you've got yourself an art film, so who knows. Let's call it nationally broadcast installation art. Who knew ESPN was so pomo?

Well, and also, I can't mock Chelsea if I don't watch them. So there's two reasons.

Welcome to the off-season

I guess this is what you do when you don't have a cup final to prepare for. Fine by me, though I do have serious issues with the choice of belt.

Also, who thinks Miss Simpson knew that Arsenal even existed before this very moment? Anyone? She's from Texas, and I know for a fact they don't have that kind of football down in Plano.

This cannot be accidental.

Wanke hoping to beat off stiff bribe penalty

Really, Soccernet? Y'all don't have anything better to do? Or you're entirely staffed by 12-year-olds. Either way, um, hee.

Today in piracy

In preparation for Wednesday's game against Porto, Andriy Shevchenko would like to remind you that while he may not be able to score, he can certainly swash the hell out of your buckle. And he will, too.

You know you're having a bad day . . .

When you get owned by Landon Donovan.

Pre-Christmas randomness.

1. Jamie Carragher's year-end awards. They're all pretty great, but my favorite award is this one:

   Worst hair cut?
   
   It used to be Harry Kewell, I think that could count because he had that at the end of last season. At the moment…Riise just dyed his hair blonde from ginger. Who've I missed? Gonzalez has got a bad one, coming up to a point or something along those lines. Alonso when he lets his grow long looks pretty bad.

   I'm comforted by the knowledge that it's not just Footie Girl and I who are obsessed with players' hair. (And if you read the whole thing, he also makes fun of Steven Gerrard for that gelled monstrosity he had on his head earlier in the season. Well-played, Carra.


2. 2006: the year of the WAG. I have to say, I have a bit of a fixation on the WAGs -- it's mostly trainwreck appeal, but still. Melanie Slade is cuter than hell, and there are a few others I like (mostly the ones not in the press). Having said that, though, can they go away now? It's pretty sad that in a World Cup year, the biggest story is a bunch of women going to Germany, dancing on tables, and spending too much money at H&M. (Also, why do I know who Abi Clancy is, and how do I remove that knowledge from my mind?) Maybe if the team had managed more than six goals the entire tournament, there would be more of a story relating to, you know, soccer. There's always Euro 2008, if they get there.


3. Finally, I know this has been linked absolutely everywhere, but it's still great, so I'm linking it again.
   
   If you're going to cancel a Carling Cup quarterfinal due to fog? Make sure to give your interviews inside. Or at least not where the players can see you.

Steven is a punk rocker now.

Honestly, I thought 'fancy dress' meant 'black tie.' Guess not. Liverpool, you worry me sometimes. Though I have to say, Daniel Agger as Elvis? Pretty brilliant.

And on an unrelated note, this may be the best quote ever. Joey Barton on the rash of England autobiographies:

"We got beaten in the quarter-finals. I played like shit. Here's my book."

I don't even like him, but that's about right, really. Should make things interesting when (or if) he gets called up. (My favorite statistic ever in life: Ashley Cole's book has sold, at last count, less than five thousand copies. I don't want to say karma, but. KARMA.)

Carra scores?

Oh, Jamie Carragher. The last time you scored, I was in high school. This is kinda like seeing a UFO, but infinitely more fun. Also, while that goal celebration isn't the most creative I've ever seen, I do love how the entire team gets involved in it. I guess you have to figure that's probably a once-in-a-career chance.



So, yeah, 4-0. I'd have liked to see some better play in the first half, but it feels silly to complain about a result like that. Our defense seems to have mostly sorted itself out, though I'd like to see it against a team that creates more than Fulham did. Still, we're finally in the Champions League spots, so I'll quit complaining for a while.

Unlike both Arsenal and Chelsea, after their draw (see what I did with that segue?). If you want serious analysis of this game, I suggest going elsewhere, because honestly I don't much care for either of the team. However, the petty little dramas that emerge from all these games? Hilarious. Nothing can top the Christmas card debacle of last season, but we have Ashley Cole attempting to make nice with Cesc Fabregas and Jens Lehmann complaining that Frank Lampard said mean things to him. Seriously? Cole said some pretty nasty things about Fabregas, so I can understand not wanting to pretend like everything's okay. But insulting each other seems to be part of the game; not that it should be, necessarily, but it is. Lehmann might be justified in his complaints, but I don't really think anyone's going to take him seriously. Unless he starts headbutting people when they offend him. Which I would support, purely for the comedic value.

And finally today, West Ham fired Alan Pardew. This makes me sadder than it probably should, but I always kinda liked Pardew. He seems like a good guy, and it's a little unfair to tell him his job's safe and then fire him a week later, I think. I wonder what would have happened if he'd not bought Tevez and Mascherano back in August -- that seems to have been the tipping point. Anyway, I liked him, and here's hoping he'll make it back to the Premiership soon.

Linkspam of the day

How would you do as a WAG? As myself, turns out I'm non-league -- no tan, jeans, and yeah. The best I could hope for is, like, Stan Collymore. And who wants that?

Steven Gerrard: jaded free spirit? I don't think he's only effective in central midfield. Considering he was on the right a lot of the time last season, that can't be the problem with Liverpool's form this time around. However, Momo's out for a good long while now. If it'd get him to stop pouting for a while, why not try center?

I don't really care whether you think it's realistic or not, boys. Just try to win? Also, Riise, just mark your man. Seriously.

It's not still Friday the 13th, right?

Something's not right here. I've been critical of John Terry in the past (and will most likely continue to be so), but credit where it's due, this was pretty awesome of him. Footie Girl and I were talking about it, though, and we wondered -- how did everyone know that Terry was going in goal? Did they practice what to do if both keepers are knocked out and all the subs are used? Either they plan for pretty remote contingencies over at Stamford Bridge, or John Terry is just the jack-of-all-trades down there. You know, driving the bus, taking the kits home to be cleaned, walking Mourinho's dog and getting his morning lattes. Playing keeper's all in a day's work, then, really. I wish Reading had been able to press their advantage better after Mikel got sent off, but That was still the most entertaining game I've seen from Chelsea in a long time, so I'll take it. And Cech and Cudicini are both okay, so it's all good. (One of the news reports I read called him "Czech keeper Cech," and I've been giggling and saying that to myself all night. Yes, I am five. But it's fun!)

Less fun? Liverpool 1 - Blackburn 1. I'm not sure what the big problem is, but there are a couple of little things that I'm noticing. First, now that they have wingers, Rafa seems afraid to use them. I know Pennant played today, but what about putting Gonzalez on as more than an impact sub? Garcia's had that role for the past two seasons, but it's time to admit it -- Garcia only works in the Champions League (or against Chelsea). Give some of the new boys a chance, especially the ones specifically brought in to provide pace and width. It's great that they have them, but the team won't unless they start getting some playing time. Second, Steven Gerrard needs to score. The thing is, though, I don't think a goal will come until he quits trying to force it. He was completely anonymous today, except for the few times he showed up to do his Lampard impression and take bad shots from a long way out. That's not what needs to happen. Right now, it seems like he's so desperate to score that he's taking shots when he should be passing. It's not pretty, much like the ski-jump he's got on his head. (Yes, I'll continue to harp on that till it goes away.) Boy needs to relax.

As for England? I'm just pretending it never happened. 3-5-2 what?

I thought it was paper-rock-scissors

This is not the most confidence-inspiring picture I've ever seen.

After that, they played Red Rover and then Steve gave them their morning snacks and they took a nap.